25 – Anchoring in the positive. – 2:38

What is an anchor? And I’m not referring here to the nautical term. It is a technique you can use for grounding yourself with a memory, either positive or negative, that is designed to remind you of how you felt, what you did, or what you believed when the anchor is thought of, touched, or focused on.

Let me give you a positive and a negative illustration of how an anchor is used. Here’s an example of a positive anchor. You were in the courting stage of your current relationship and your significant other held your hand and squeezed it in a certain way whenever they said, I love you. As a result, you began to associate the squeeze with the words I love you. If this technique is used repetitively after a short time, the anchor will be in place forever. Years later, to experience the words I love you, would not require any words between you, just a simple squeeze of your hand, and you would bring your consciousness back to those same three simple words.

Here’s a negative example. You have just had a terrible argument with your spouse as they are screaming at the top of their lungs, berating you for every conceivable offense. They slap your hand to vent their frustration. They are not the violent type and the purpose of the slap is more symbolic than to inflict pain. If every time your partner yells at you, they slap your hand out of frustration, you will, over time, begin to associate the slap with the argument and the negative feelings and emotions associated with the argument. The argument ends. You are back to being friends once again, but whenever your beloved slaps your hand, even if it was meant to be a loving gesture, would tend to bring you back to the negative feelings you had when you were having your heated argument.

In both cases, you have created a psychological anchor for your consciousness or thinking. The key in positive relationships is to develop as many positive anchors and as few negative anchors as possible. Here are a few suggestions. Why not look at the behavior of your partner and see if you can determine where and if you have created positive or negative anchors. Discuss them with each other and see if you can determine their cause or origin.

Second, see if you can identify all of your negative anchors and their cause. Can you replace the negative ones with positive ones? In other words, see if you can give the negative anchor a new positive meaning. Third, see how many new positive anchors you can create to keep you, your partner, and your relationship grounded in the positive rather than the negative. Four, make a game out of creating positive anchors. And five, when you feel yourself falling into a behavior or feeling due primarily to the anchor and not what is happening in the present moment, stop and discuss it with your partner.