05 His needs – her needs. – 2:22

Each of us has a variety of emotional, physical, psychological, and spiritual needs that we hope our partner will support, satisfy, or contribute to their satisfaction in some way. As I see it, there are several issues when it comes to the satisfaction of our wants and needs.

First, many people don’t really know what they want, desire, or need.

Second, many people who know what they want, or need can’t verbalize it to their partner for any number of reasons.

Third, some people don’t know why they want what they say they want.

Fourth, some people when they get what they say, they want never to seem to be satisfied.

Fifth, many people play psychological games with their wants and needs. They want their partner to be mind readers and aware of their needs and desires, but they don’t know how to ask for them.

Sixth, many people when they get what they say they want, or need don’t even recognize that they’ve received it. They are too busy looking elsewhere for the satisfaction of these needs, wants and desires.

Seventh, your partner or you knows what the other person wants or needs, but hold out for some reason for punishment, guilt, resentment, anger, blame, and so on.

Any of these strike a chord with you? Have you ever been on either end of one or more of these issues? My guess is that if you have any relationship, stress, frustration, anxiety, or problems at all with your partner, that one of the causes will come back to this subject.

Here are a few guidelines for approaching this sensitive issue.

First set aside some regular time once a week or twice a month, when you are rested, relaxed and not under a great deal of stress. Start a neutral dialogue of your needs, desires, wants as well as those of your partner.

Second, begin the discussion with a contract that you will listen, stay connected and let go of your selfish urges by focusing only on your partner’s needs.

Third, keep a his and hers journal with notes of your points of disagreements, suggestions, concerns, and agreements.

Fourth, stay focused in the present during your discussion.

Fifth, do not bring old baggage from a previous relationship or a previous time in your relationship into the conversation.

Sixth, recognize that there are times when your partner wants you to listen, offer guidance, stay neutral, agree, and yes, even sometimes disagree with them. The secret is to know what is expected of you at any given time in your relationship. If you are not sure, all you have to do is ask.