19 Creating a safe environment. – 2:16

The ability to share fears, hopes, dreams, frustrations, needs and wants in a relationship requires a safe environment. If a person feels that by sharing their fears and concerns or whatever, they will be invalidated, judged, or that these will be used against them in the future in some way, they will tend to keep things to themselves.

I have often been accused by people in my life of shutting down or going into my cave, as John Gray would say in his great book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Although at times I’ve been guilty, most of the time it was nothing more than a protection device to preserve my self-esteem.

Let me give you a brief illustration. If every time you have an opinion about something your partner challenges it, and validates it or judges it in some way, they just can’t listen without having to put their own two cents in, eventually you’ll get to the point where you won’t volunteer your opinion when asked. It’s safer that way.

Now, I could be wrong here, but I believe a person can only take so much criticism before they will take evasive action. Some people lash out and defend themselves, others withdraw. Neither way is right or wrong. It’s just how we have learned to protect ourselves and our emotions and feelings. In a sense, we build walls around ourselves to protect us from the continued onslaught of negative or critical words.

A safe environment in a relationship is one that permits the honest sharing of anything without fear or condemnation, retribution, or criticism. I have observed hundreds of couples in my life, and I believe that few relationships have this kind of safety. A safe environment is possible, but it requires secure and mature individuals, loving and kind individuals. Full acceptance of the other person, who they are, what they believe and how they feel, and a method or strategy for sharing information that can be perceived as threatening.

So if you are in a relationship that is not safe, you have four options and these are in no particular order. You can leave the relationship. You can try and get your partner to see how their remarks or criticism affect you, and that you want to share your feelings, pain, needs and goals, but you don’t want them to invalidate them. They don’t have to agree with them or even like them, but they don’t have to judge them either. Defend yourself or fight back. And lastly, learn to overlook these slights and hurtful comments.