18 – Closeness vs. Distance. – 3:12

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#18 Closeness vs. Distance. – 03:12

You can be a million miles apart in the same bed and as close as the next heartbeat, even though you were separated by hundreds of miles. Have you ever had the experience of feeling really separated or far apart from your partner, even though you were within touching distance? Have you ever felt close to someone that you see infrequently? How can you explain this paradox? I have had both experiences in my life, and I have tried to determine the root cause of these feelings regardless of the distance that separated me from my loved ones. I can’t give you a definitive answer, but I think I am getting a lot closer to the heart of this issue.

There are several types of closeness or distance. There is physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual, and psychological. You can feel really close emotionally to someone, yet a million miles apart physically. You can feel like a great valley separates you and your spouse spiritually, yet a closeness in family or financial agendas.

If you are in a relationship and do not feel intimately close to your significant other in any of the above positive ways, I suggest you consider why you may be experiencing this distance.

The real problem here is to be close in some ways and distant in others. For example, if you have a greater need for more affection, emotional closeness, or romance, and your significant other has a greater need for more sex or physical closeness, you will never bridge this gap focusing on a totally unrelated common area in your relationship such as money, career, or children. You will tend to bring the unresolved resentments, baggage, expectations, and guilt into the other areas of your relationship. You may not do this consciously, but you will certainly do it unconsciously.

There are a number of causes to these feelings of distance and or closeness, and they can be summarized in just three. First, expectations. You want or expect a certain type of attitude, response, action, word, or feedback from your partner, and its seldom comes. You have an expectation and are constantly disappointed. These unfulfilled expectations can lead to a variety of resentments, then anger, and finally, apathy. Number two needs and or desires. Your significant other has no interest in knowing, understanding, or satisfying some or any of your basic emotional or physical needs or wants. And third, your needs, wants, or expectations are unrealistic, and you therefore set yourself up for disappointment wherever you go and whomever you’re with. Remember, your responses to anything are not the responsibility of another person, just as their reactions are not your responsibility.

During a break, in one of my recent seminars, I recently overheard a conversation between two female friends. One person said, “The passion is gone in our relationship.” This simple concept caused me to think for a few minutes. Passion is not in a relationship any more than fun is in a job. If there is no more passion in the relationship, it is because there is no more passion in the two people in the relationship. A relationship doesn’t have feelings or emotions. People in them have these things. So if there’s distance or closeness in your relationship, it is not because these are in the relationship, but because they are in one of you.