When girl meets boy and they begin a new relationship with each other, they tend to look at their partner through a telescope. They only see the qualities, traits, habits, and behavior that they want to see. For whatever reason, they fail to observe early signals regarding those qualities and behaviors that they either don’t like or don’t want to see.

When love is failing, the same boy and girl tend to see each other through a microscope, micromanaging every trait, attitude, quality, or behavior. It’s almost as if they’re looking for stuff not to like. This simple illustration, both in relationships that are beginning and those that are failing, will repeat themselves thousands of times today.

Why do people fail to see the other person clearly in a relationship and why do we lose tolerance of even the simplest behavior in a relationship that is in trouble? There are three simple concepts that impact all relationships. They are people only change when they feel a need to do so, people are always changing, and relationships are dynamic and evolving. Most people in a new relationship put their best foot forward. They want to make a favorable impression on the other person.

However, sooner or later the masks come off and the real person will show themselves. This often happens early in a relationship, giving the other person a quick glimpse into who the other person really is. In order not to feel that you’ve been broadsided by a new behavior of the other person, it is critical that you observe carefully both what is said and what is not said. What the person does, as well as what they don’t do and how they behave, as well as how they don’t behave. There are always clues. Not to see them or to see them in hope that they’re only temporary is to be naive. To believe that your partner will change them with time is to live in fantasy land.

One of the best recommendations I can make in any new relationship is to pay attention to early signals, both the ones given and the ones that are there that you, for whatever reason, don’t want to see or fail to see. We are all capable of changing behavior, but we don’t do it because our partner wants us to or thinks we should. We change when we are ready and not before. To believe that your partner will change according to your wishes is to assume that your behavior, attitudes, life outlook or whatever is either right or better than theirs. There is no such thing as right or wrong behavior. There is only different behavior, attitudes, and feelings.