So, the courting is over, and you have settled into a relaxed and easy state in your relationship. This can happen in the first year of a relationship or it can happen much later depending on the attitudes and agendas of each partner, but it usually doesn’t happen like a bolt of lightning. This gradual acceptance sort of creeps up on you week after week until one or both of you one day discovers that the romance is gone.

You know your partner, you can anticipate their needs, wants and desires, and you can push their buttons when and if you choose to. This would appear at first glance to be an ideal place to be in a relationship, one of quiet acceptance, knowing and unconditional

love. However, don’t judge too quickly as this can also be a sign of impending trouble ahead. One of the things I’ve discovered, both as a participant in relationships and as a speaker doing seminars for couples and singles groups is that many people let the romance die. Notice I said, let the romance die. Believe me, it didn’t die all by itself. It had some help along the way, and then they wonder why there isn’t the same passion and often intimacy in their relationship.

What is romance, anyway? There are entire books on this subject, lengthy seminars, and

the talk show hosts have a field day with this topic and its issues. Let’s take a look at what

romance isn’t. Romance isn’t falling in love, acts of kindness, comfort with your partner, a

weekend getaway, sending flowers, remembering anything, forgetting nothing, liking your partner, respecting your partner, or any other act. Although these are all worthy aspects of any positive relationship, they won’t keep the spark alive unless the romantic spirit in both people is alive and well. Without romance, there will always seem like something is missing.

Romance is an attitude. It is a philosophy. It is not part of your cellular structure, and it can be developed and cultivated by anyone if they have the will, desire, and the knowledge. People speak of the romantics. Who are these romantics, anyway? Did they take classes in it? Sure, you could do any or all of these things mentioned previously but do them without a romantic attitude and they will just be kind, generous, or thoughtful acts. I guess doing these acts is better than doing nothing, but I would rather have them done in the spirit of romance than just as robotic behavior that doesn’t come from the heart. As you have most likely guessed by now, I am avoiding a definition of romance, and the reason is that I can’t define it. I could use a dictionary, but I often find its definitions lacking. So, I guess I’ll leave the definition up to the experts and talk show hosts. I can’t describe romance either, so I guess I’ll have to leave that up to the counselors. I can only tell you that either you are or you are not romantic, and you know which category you belong in. Look at some elderly couple in their eighties who have been married for over 50 years holding hands. I’ll bet they didn’t get that out of some book or some seminar. Yes, you can learn to be romantic, but only if you want to.